Monday 14 January 2013

New year blues

So, I am back at work, I am one year older and regretting coming back to the UK.  Mostly because I feel I am missing out by not being in Switzerland.  I miss the skiing, hell I miss ski school. Everyone says, "Oh you'll be fine", "it will be good for you living at your mum's" but you know what - it SUCKS.  I have no friends, just colleagues at work and we are not close enough that we socialise. None of them do.  I don't meet anyone because I don't go out.  Mainly my own fault because I have nowhere to go. Anything I want to do involves doing something myself e.g. going to the library, cinema.  I know the people my sister works with, but not very closely.  Everyone is an "acquaintance" and the only option they are interested in is drinking. Which I am avoiding.  I am so lonely. and I don't know how to help myself.  I don't think anyone at group wants to meet up at other times and I can only do evenings anyway, when I am knackered from work.
I have asked my GP for a private referral to the outpatient private clinic as I am at the end of my tether and the mental health services here aren't interested, so I am going to have to pay privately. Ironic really, couldn't afford private treatment in Switzerland anymore and now I have to fund myself in the UK.
I know since the beginning of December my mood has been peaking and troughing, but it is nudging lower.  The feelings of self harm are coming back.
I wish I was back in Switzerland, I might not have been popular, but at least I felt part of something, instead of drifting like I am now.  I wish I was back in Cornwall where I truly felt at home. Right now, I can't see much in the way of positive things, even though I have a roof over my head and am earning.  It's hard to explain to those of you who might be thinking I am wallowing in self indulgance.  It's not like that.  It's hard when you get to the point where you cannot connect with anything and when I don't connect then there is space in my head for the negativity which is always there, underlying like a thin line, to come flooding in and it is harder to fight.
I know when I am on the way down when all I want to do is sleep as an escape.  Saturday (my birthday) I slept all day.  Last night I was lights out at 7.30pm, went straight to sleep and when my alarm went off at 7 a.m. I wanted to roll over and hide.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Cat,
    I feel your pain, and know well your lethargy. Hang in there though - January always sucks that's just a fact of life. I haven't read your whole blog, just the last 4 posts, but I recognise so many of those feelings you describe.
    I'm no doctor or expert, I just have my own experience to draw on. I hope you don't mind if I suggest that there are a couple of things you can do to try and improve things for yourself. 1) Buck the trend and just go ahead and ask one or two of your work colleagues out for a drink or a coffee. 2) You write very well, so write. Start writing a novel, a short story, an article, anything. It might take your mind off your boredom and depression and give you something else to focus your attention on... and potentially result in an enormous sense of achievement & satisfaction at the end.
    I realise when in a dark place it is difficult to motivate yourself to do anything, but it's worth a try right?
    Good luck & I hope you feel better soon.
    RML

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  2. Thankyou for your kind words. It does help to write things down and I try and connect with people through their blogs, Twitter etc. I will be reading your blog too, now that I have found it.
    Cat

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