So, I am back at work, I am one year older and regretting coming back to the UK. Mostly because I feel I am missing out by not being in Switzerland. I miss the skiing, hell I miss ski school. Everyone says, "Oh you'll be fine", "it will be good for you living at your mum's" but you know what - it SUCKS. I have no friends, just colleagues at work and we are not close enough that we socialise. None of them do. I don't meet anyone because I don't go out. Mainly my own fault because I have nowhere to go. Anything I want to do involves doing something myself e.g. going to the library, cinema. I know the people my sister works with, but not very closely. Everyone is an "acquaintance" and the only option they are interested in is drinking. Which I am avoiding. I am so lonely. and I don't know how to help myself. I don't think anyone at group wants to meet up at other times and I can only do evenings anyway, when I am knackered from work.
I have asked my GP for a private referral to the outpatient private clinic as I am at the end of my tether and the mental health services here aren't interested, so I am going to have to pay privately. Ironic really, couldn't afford private treatment in Switzerland anymore and now I have to fund myself in the UK.
I know since the beginning of December my mood has been peaking and troughing, but it is nudging lower. The feelings of self harm are coming back.
I wish I was back in Switzerland, I might not have been popular, but at least I felt part of something, instead of drifting like I am now. I wish I was back in Cornwall where I truly felt at home. Right now, I can't see much in the way of positive things, even though I have a roof over my head and am earning. It's hard to explain to those of you who might be thinking I am wallowing in self indulgance. It's not like that. It's hard when you get to the point where you cannot connect with anything and when I don't connect then there is space in my head for the negativity which is always there, underlying like a thin line, to come flooding in and it is harder to fight.
I know when I am on the way down when all I want to do is sleep as an escape. Saturday (my birthday) I slept all day. Last night I was lights out at 7.30pm, went straight to sleep and when my alarm went off at 7 a.m. I wanted to roll over and hide.
Monday 14 January 2013
Friday 4 January 2013
New Year etc.
So "New Year" was a bit of a let down, as to be expected. Mum has tried really hard to make Christmas and New Year special but I just haven't really had the energy to go with it, although I tried really hard (I can be a good actress when I need to be). I guess it was kind of OK, but to be honest, I was ready for bed at about 10pm. It seems an awful lot of fuss for.......what? I don't know.
My stuff finally arrived from Switzerland, out of the blue. It has been in customs for 2 weeks and they kept asking me to fill in form after form after form. Each time they phoned me it was yet another form to fill in. So it's here. So that's that then. I no longer live there (although my cat still does as my ex has custody of him).
I still feel like I don't belong. I don't feel I live here. I don't feel this is home. I don't really engage with people and am not ready to make new friends which is exactly what I need to do. I have lived in this city for precisely 4 and a half months and still only know mum, her pub friends, my sister and people at work. I only really socialise with my sister (which isn't often because she works so much) and know the people who work for her, but they are not really friend friends if that makes sense. I seem to be stuck in loneliness caused by my lack of enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping and reading.
I am functioning though. I am very weary and going back to work has knocked me out plus I haven't been sleeping well again. In fact, this weekend I plan to sleep as much as possible. I started a diet on the 2nd January and have stuck to it pretty well. I am going to let another couple of days pass to get settled into the idea and then start increasing the exercise.
So that's my boring little life right now. I think I may still be a little hypomanic right now but am hoping that if I rest that I can get it under control.
My stuff finally arrived from Switzerland, out of the blue. It has been in customs for 2 weeks and they kept asking me to fill in form after form after form. Each time they phoned me it was yet another form to fill in. So it's here. So that's that then. I no longer live there (although my cat still does as my ex has custody of him).
I still feel like I don't belong. I don't feel I live here. I don't feel this is home. I don't really engage with people and am not ready to make new friends which is exactly what I need to do. I have lived in this city for precisely 4 and a half months and still only know mum, her pub friends, my sister and people at work. I only really socialise with my sister (which isn't often because she works so much) and know the people who work for her, but they are not really friend friends if that makes sense. I seem to be stuck in loneliness caused by my lack of enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping and reading.
I am functioning though. I am very weary and going back to work has knocked me out plus I haven't been sleeping well again. In fact, this weekend I plan to sleep as much as possible. I started a diet on the 2nd January and have stuck to it pretty well. I am going to let another couple of days pass to get settled into the idea and then start increasing the exercise.
So that's my boring little life right now. I think I may still be a little hypomanic right now but am hoping that if I rest that I can get it under control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)