Update

Hi all, I am still here.
Well, since my last post when I was kicked out of the mental health system, I have been doing a fair amount and so the Christmas break has been one of relaxation (!). Apologies if my writing is a bit stilted but I cannot seem to concentrate on anything at the moment.

• I started my job at the beginning of November and am working full time.  It has been a bit of a shock to the system and I am utterly exhausted, but my co-workers are lovely and besides my lapses in concentration when I am tired, it has generally been OK.
• I saw the Occupational Health Adviser at work and persuaded him to put that I have a long term medical condition which requires regular doctors appointments rather than putting anything about my mental health.  Bet they're wondering though....and I am paranoid that as occ health is in the same department as I am working that they talk behind the scenes.
• Had some time off work to look after my mother when she had a really bad chest infection.  Work were very supportive.
• My CPN (Prior to being discharged) sent me a letter to say that this is what they were doing and enclosing photocopies of various alcohol charities and a DBT workbook. I have no crisis plan. No details of who to contact in an emergency. Nowhere to go if it gets too much. I am panicking about this quite a lot, especially over the last week or so.
• I looked into getting a private shrink (impossible), psychologist (saw one who was lovely but a bit young) or what I need to do to get to see a professional. Not much progress - even the private facility in the city wants a referral from my GP which means I have to book an appointment, have time off work, ask for a form to be filled in, wait for another appointment, take time off work again, probably be told there is nothing they can do for me and end up on the mental health scrap heap again. And even if I go private, who is co-ordinating my meds against my mood/progress? Who is going to recognise when they need adjusting? (Can any of you guess how my mood is right now?)

Work shuts down over Christmas and I am not back until the second of January.  My mood over the holiday period has gone from elation and leaping about to slumped and wondering what am I doing with my life (no idea), what do I want to do with my life (no idea), should I have left Switzerland (no idea, although the amount of snow my resort has been getting has not helped matters). I had a mini frenzy this week when I got my old bedroom back and redecorated the whole thing.  shopping frenzy for paint (the absolute right colours), painting the room (which I did myself as it has to be perfect although if I do say so myself, I do find painting very therapeutic and am good at it), design the room for the optimum layout and then move in. I am now sat in a very perfectly painted, pretty room, looking around the walls thinking...."Well that's done then, what next" even though I have no energy to go on to another project.  My sleep is a bit erratic and I am trying to keep to the correct amount of hours.
I went shopping with mum earlier and bought her the perfect kettle to go with the toaster and then saw a tea tray and mug that I simply had to have. I think it's time to put the debit card in the freezer as have just realised (from reading my emails although I don't remember actually doing any of this) ordered a substantial amount of stuff from Amazon that I probably don't need.
So quite honestly, I am a bit of a mess and am back at work, which I don't know if I can cope with, in a couple of days.  My exhausted mind is flitting through "stuff" of no importance that seems important but my body is telling me I am too tired.  I keep tidying my room again and again so that it is just perfect and want to slow down....concentrate....stay calm..... so have been popping the seroquel and trying to force me to sleep it through rather than hit the bottle and start leaping about my house, confusing the hell out of mum and her boyfriend as I flit from conversation to conversation without taking a breath in between.  That is why I can write this down as I have just woken up.
How the hell do people work when they are like this?