Update

Hi all, I am still here.
Well, since my last post when I was kicked out of the mental health system, I have been doing a fair amount and so the Christmas break has been one of relaxation (!). Apologies if my writing is a bit stilted but I cannot seem to concentrate on anything at the moment.

• I started my job at the beginning of November and am working full time.  It has been a bit of a shock to the system and I am utterly exhausted, but my co-workers are lovely and besides my lapses in concentration when I am tired, it has generally been OK.
• I saw the Occupational Health Adviser at work and persuaded him to put that I have a long term medical condition which requires regular doctors appointments rather than putting anything about my mental health.  Bet they're wondering though....and I am paranoid that as occ health is in the same department as I am working that they talk behind the scenes.
• Had some time off work to look after my mother when she had a really bad chest infection.  Work were very supportive.
• My CPN (Prior to being discharged) sent me a letter to say that this is what they were doing and enclosing photocopies of various alcohol charities and a DBT workbook. I have no crisis plan. No details of who to contact in an emergency. Nowhere to go if it gets too much. I am panicking about this quite a lot, especially over the last week or so.
• I looked into getting a private shrink (impossible), psychologist (saw one who was lovely but a bit young) or what I need to do to get to see a professional. Not much progress - even the private facility in the city wants a referral from my GP which means I have to book an appointment, have time off work, ask for a form to be filled in, wait for another appointment, take time off work again, probably be told there is nothing they can do for me and end up on the mental health scrap heap again. And even if I go private, who is co-ordinating my meds against my mood/progress? Who is going to recognise when they need adjusting? (Can any of you guess how my mood is right now?)

Work shuts down over Christmas and I am not back until the second of January.  My mood over the holiday period has gone from elation and leaping about to slumped and wondering what am I doing with my life (no idea), what do I want to do with my life (no idea), should I have left Switzerland (no idea, although the amount of snow my resort has been getting has not helped matters). I had a mini frenzy this week when I got my old bedroom back and redecorated the whole thing.  shopping frenzy for paint (the absolute right colours), painting the room (which I did myself as it has to be perfect although if I do say so myself, I do find painting very therapeutic and am good at it), design the room for the optimum layout and then move in. I am now sat in a very perfectly painted, pretty room, looking around the walls thinking...."Well that's done then, what next" even though I have no energy to go on to another project.  My sleep is a bit erratic and I am trying to keep to the correct amount of hours.
I went shopping with mum earlier and bought her the perfect kettle to go with the toaster and then saw a tea tray and mug that I simply had to have. I think it's time to put the debit card in the freezer as have just realised (from reading my emails although I don't remember actually doing any of this) ordered a substantial amount of stuff from Amazon that I probably don't need.
So quite honestly, I am a bit of a mess and am back at work, which I don't know if I can cope with, in a couple of days.  My exhausted mind is flitting through "stuff" of no importance that seems important but my body is telling me I am too tired.  I keep tidying my room again and again so that it is just perfect and want to slow down....concentrate....stay calm..... so have been popping the seroquel and trying to force me to sleep it through rather than hit the bottle and start leaping about my house, confusing the hell out of mum and her boyfriend as I flit from conversation to conversation without taking a breath in between.  That is why I can write this down as I have just woken up.
How the hell do people work when they are like this?

Kicked out of the system

Since my last couple of posts I have been awaiting a reply from my CPN and York Psychiatric Services (under Leeds&York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust). It has been implied that I am not a priority and will be discharged from their services following a phone call I had a week ago from my CPN despite me explaining that if I did not receive ongoing care then I would rapidly become a priority - what happened to relapse prevention?
I am still waiting for a letter with details of who to approach when I need support which will probably be phone lines.  I live at my mothers.  How am I supposed to have a phone call with anyone, even if it is on my mobile in my room, without her hearing?
It finally hit me today and I feel very sad and isolated.  Maybe it is because I am nervous at starting my new job on Monday, maybe because I haven't been out to make new friends. Maybe it's the feeling of being brushed aside.  I don't know.
I received a letter from the occupational health services of the place I am going to work and have to meet with them to "discuss" what I put in my questionnaire.  I really don't want to discuss this at all, but have to for the sake of my job.  I want to be left alone to get on with work and not have their pressure over me that my mental health may become an issue. The york mental health services seem to think that as my employer offers a staff crisis programme that I should use this instead.  I mean, no way! My job is temporary for a couple of months - if I start some kind of care funded by them, what happens when my contract is not extended?  I will have to start all over again, AGAIN!
Meh.

Do I live in the UK or abroad?

Now this has been the question in the forefront of the minds of the DWP.  Apologies for those of you fighting DLA, but I have some problems of my own right now which are also a fight.  I beleive that the DWP just says "No" to everything, hoping that we won't appeal, but when we do, it ends up costing the government millions in legal fees when we overturn their rulings which they could have prevented in the first place.
My problem is with habitual residence.  Now, my appeal is set for 13th December in York.  I won't say much about the case as this could be read and I don't want that becoming an issue but I will say the following:

• I am representing myself. (Although might ask mum to go with me in case I get overwhelmed and emotional.)
• I have looked up all the legislation and have put together an appeal based on this; I was advised by a solicitor to put together as much paperwork as possible, because this is what legal people like.
• I am shitting myself.

I have never been to court in my life.  Although I have watched suey2's (http://diaryofabenefitscrounger.blogspot.co.uk/) banned video which although is geared towards ESA, I feel is still relevant. (SERIOUSLY? This was BANNED????)
I don't want to play on my psychiatric problems, but the fact that I don't is part of my mixed personality disorder (i.e. denial with a capital D).  However, I am terrified that I have missed something crucial in my defence.  I have sent a bundle of paperwork and have some more to add but still......
So I will be crapping myself in 6 weeks, plus have to take an afternoon off work to do it!!

Clock changes, CPN's and irritable mood

Yep, new technology is great but I was still unsure as to whether my phone would automatically update, plus mum's boyfriend changed all the other clocks in the house this morning which I wasn't expecting and so ended up being totally confused.
Last Tuesday, as promised by my GP, my referral to mental health services was met by a meeting with my CPN.  We went through my history (as much as we can in an hour) and she filled in all the paperwork blah blah blah.  She said that I would be discussed at their case meeting which was held on Thursday and she promised to telephone me when they had decided what would happen next.
In short, she told me that I was not a priority and that I would be "discharged" from their care.  I had explained that in my meeting that without ongoing support and not just being invited to attempt to get through on their "crisis" hotline, that I would very quickly become a priority but apparently preventative care is not somehting in their remit.
Prior to hearing back from her, I received a report from my Swiss Psychiatrist which arrived after the meeting with the CPN and prior to seeing my GP on Friday.  Although I could only summarise my diagnoseseseseses [sic] in my CPN meeting it perhaps would have been helpful for her to read this report prior to them making a decision about me.  The support I will now get will now consist of telephone helplines and self help groups (surprisingly there are a lack of these in York and from what I have heard, a waiting list.
So, back to my diagnosis. It should be explained that in Europe they tend to refer to the ICD-10 rather than the DSM-IV. From my (Swiss) Psychiatrist's report:

"My diagnostic impression was that of both a type II bipolar disorder and a personality disorder with both dependant and emotionally unstable features. The illness was complicated by both an alcohol binge drinking disorder and thyroid disease."

Hmmm....so far, pretty much what I knew, although the "personality disorder" is a new one on me.  Let's read further.....

"Diagnosis
Axis I Type II bipolar disorder (ICD-10 F31.8)
Alcohol abuse (binge drinking) (ICD-10 F10.1)
Axis II mixed personality disorder (dependant/emotionally unstable) (ICD-10 F61.0)
Axis III Hashimoto Thyroiditis
Axis IV Finances, relationships, familiy of origin
Axis V GAF:35-55"

OMFG.  It feels so strange to have this summarised so clearly.  During my treatment with Dr.I in Switzerland I had muddled in my mind the various clinical opinions offered to me and to where I "fitted" in.  But to finally have it summarised and obviously my mixed personality disorder has been in denial about some of the Axes, but subsequently I have been mulling over the fact whether this is useful or not.  Will the label control me, or do I control the label?  Do I need a label anyway? I find it interesting that with a physical illness we are usually fine with a diagnosis and the labelling of such so why am I questionning the same for a mental illness?
How about the GAF? (For those who have not heard of this, it is the "Global Assessment of Functioning, a numeric scale of 0-100).  An assessment of 35 - 55 falls into the following area :

51 - 60 Moderate symptoms (e.g., flat affect and circumstantial speech, occasional panic attacks) OR moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning (e.g., few friends, conflicts with peers or co-workers).

41 - 50 Serious symptoms (e.g., suicidal ideation, severe obsessional rituals, frequent shoplifting) OR any serious impairment in social, occupational, or school functioning (e.g., no friends, unable to keep a job).

31 - 40 Some impairment in reality testing or communication (e.g., speech is at times illogical, obscure, or irrelevant) OR major impairment in several areas, such as work or school, family relations, judgment, thinking, or mood (e.g., depressed adult avoids friends, neglects family, and is unable to work; child frequently beats up younger children, is defiant at home, and is failing at school).

Now this I can identify with. Interestingly, swiss psych says keep in touch and I can always talk to him/ask questions if I need some additional help.

As for the rest of my week:
Saw my GP Friday, gave him a copy of the report.  See him again in 3 weeks.
Helping my sister in the shop she manages as they are opening a new sales floor. Long days.
Increasing irritability at living at mum's.  It is not her fault and I am finding myself taking a deep breath before I say anything so that I don't come across at annoyed at everything she says, but I am finding it very difficult.
Feeling low and upset; particular incidents which have affected me include hearing that it is snowing where I used to live in Switzerland and buying the wrong curtains for my sister's shop as I misunderstood her.  Wise mind says it's just miscommunication/snow, it's no big deal but MY mind is not rational so I have been feeling that I have done something wrong and that everyone back in Switzerland are having a great time and will be skiing within the week (not true, the snow will melt before it comes back).  I cannot get these repetitive thoughts out of my head.  Also, I have been feeling some detachment - my hands have seemed to not be of my own and I keep imagining I see someone out of the corner of my eye.  Plus I was pricing up some Crystals today and it felt like they were trying to convey something to me.  Mind you, I did take my medication really late today so I am putting it down to this. I am also extremely tired from all the hours I have been working for my sister and am worried that I will never handle working full time in my new job (which starts on 5th November).
So, in summary I am exhausted, emotional, unreal and anxious.  Not a bad week really.

Psychiatrist report

A while back, I asked my Psychiatrist in Switzerland whether he would write a report for my GP over here which he could then refer to the mental health team.  Well bless him, my Psych sent it to me today to "proof read" his english before he sends it!
While I am familiar with my diagnosiseseseseses, this report summarises 5 years plus of Psychiatric treatment and contained some gems which were hinted at but I didn't want to ask what the label was.
It is interesting reading.
I may share some more of this once I have taken the report in more fully.
But it sounds so like me, even if I didn't realise that someone else knew.  It's like he has read my diary.

Settling into the system

Progress - I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never in a million years thought I would get it but it is an admin post at a local educational establishment with a high reputation. I somehow managed to get a first interview and although was terrified I resigned myself to the fact that it would be useful interview experience.  It is a much lower level job in terms of responsibility from what I had in this department before but I decided it was probably better to start again.  Two days after the interview I had a phone call from them when I was in an appointment with Mind and they offered me the job!  Well I have to say I was in tears when I put the phone down - after six months applying I managed to blag it and get the opportunity.  I go in  tomorrow to meet the team and start at the beginning of November.

Of course, while the environment seems really friendly and more casual than I have worked in before, I am still nervous that I won't be up to it.  I am also worried that when I return my medical questionnaire that they will then know my mental health issues and regret their decision.  I voiced my concerns with my (lovely) GP and he reassured me that because they have offered me the job, they would have to have damn good reasons for withdrawing the offer based on my medical questionnaire because of the discrimination laws.  They seem quite a forward thinking department though.  So we'll see.

In the meantime I have signed up for an ECDL computer course which I have been whizzing through and it will help refresh my computer knowledge ready for my job.

As for Lovely GP, he has referred me to the mental health team and I meet my CPN next week to start sorting out a care/crisis plan, which was a quicker appointment than I thought I would get.  Lovely GP will also see me next week to check up on how I am.  Because my GP in Hastings took me off the contraceptive pill I have been really worrying about getting pregnant (not that I have had any form of relationship since returning to the UK) but Dr H went through different options with me and am now on the mini-pill but I am thinking of changing to an implant.  Of course, he says it would be very difficult to find someone to sterilise me although he agrees that this clearly impacts on my mental health.  Sorry to all you male readers of my blog, just something I had to get off my chest.

At the end of last week I went to visit my friend from Switzerland who has a house near her parents in Doncast...sorry....Doncatraz.  I stayed a couple of nights and we had a lot of fun, chatted until the early hours, went window shopping and all in all it was lovely.  I miss her because she is so practical and great for advice.

I am hoping that the recent turn of events means that I will start to have a run of good luck and am feeling more positive than I have in a long time and my mood seems to be stabilising.  I have been having a lot of off days and a lot of hypo days and some hyper days (although this has meant I have raced through DIY projects and cleaning at my mums (where I am still living).  I have also been helping my sister out as she manages a fair trade shop so I have been checking stock, pricing and cleaning as she is permanently short staffed.

Housing problems and benefit problems and psychiatric problems..oh my!

OK, so this is how it goes:

Leave Switzerland

Move to Hastings

Fail Habitual Residency test because have lived abroad.  This is now in appeal with the DWP.

Refused housing benefit because of Habitual Residency decision by the DWP.

Kicked out of accomodation in Hastings.

Council offered emergency accomodation that was quite frankly horrible and would have affected my health (yeah, I know I can't be picky but it truly was terrible).

Got council to give me a travel permit to York.

Moved into mum's.

Mum has diabetes and the stress of the stuff I have been going through has stressed her out and she nearly went into a diabetic coma (thankyou ambulance people for your help).

Me now stressed because of mum.

No CPN, social worker, Psychiatrist.

DWP have repeatedly fucked up, lost paperwork, said I didn't attend signing on when I did and it is in their computer that I did, failed to pay my benefit this week due to complete incompetence (lost paperwork AGAIN).

STILL no job although had 2nd interview for a job in Hastings but had to leave and start applying for jobs in York area.  Sent over 100 applications in the last month at least.

Mental Health: 0 Government:Winning

I am way way way too close to the edge and am gripping by my fingernails....

I meet my new GP on Monday.  He is my mother's doctor so I thought that would be better as I can tell him stuff about her that he can look into whether she likes it or not.  I guess after that I will be referred to the Psych team (fingers crossed) and then I can redo my crisis plan and get a care plan.  I wrote a document today outlining my psych history, medications, how I am feeling now, what support I need etc. as I am sure I will forget something if I go to the surgery without it.

I am sooooooooooooooooooo frustrated with "The System" for welfare support since returning from Switzerland.  I have been treated like I am not a UK national despite my birth certificate, passport, ties to the country etc. which I have found a tad insulting and have been refused benefit because of this.  As I said, this is in appeal but because I moved up North the appeal date/place will change.  Oh and of course they lost my appeal application which caused a delay in my reclaiming (which was agreed this time) but they wouldn't backdate as by the time I got the correct information out of them I was "out of time".

This is just a quick update but goes some way to explain why I have not felt able to write for a while....