I'm back. I think?

I have taken a break from blogging for a while and indeed, even from Facebook, as my moods have been fluctuating so much that I can't seem to keep my inner filter in control and keep managing to...well....piss people off without meaning to.
Since being kicked out of the system for not being mental enough at my assessment plus the fact that Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust were not able to offer anything more than chucking a photocopy of a DBT book and a few printed pages from the internet as to how to manage myself, I decided to try the private route.  I knew it would cost a lot but was confident that, having experienced private health care in Switzerland, that I would be able to buy effective healthcare over here, right? Wrong.
I approached a well known mental health care institution in the area where I live, to seek outpatient care.  My GP duly wrote a letter of referral and after some to-ing and fro-ing, plus appointment letters being sent to the wrong address, I finally got an appointment to be assessed by a Psychiatrist and Clinical Psychologist. An hour and a half cost half my month's wages but I wasn't getting anywhere with the NHS. I was hoping that for those efforts I would receive a report of the assessment and proposal for further support.
I heard nothing.
I had to chase up again and again and finally received the report which stated facts and not a proposal as to how to go further.  I quite clearly stated that I had no crisis plan and was struggling, although functioning and that I was nervous that the pressure of working and life events would build up until it got to a stage where I would be unable to manage myself and be putting myself at risk.
I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to go it alone, that there is no effective support out there and It. Is. Tough.
I am lucky that work gives me some semblance of a routine, but the cracks are starting to show.  I have become obsessed with pushing myself harder and harder to prove myself, therefore creating more pressure on myself, insomnia with worry, not being able to let go of work and generally stressing me out, when really, I should be able to focus on things I enjoy - reading, listening to music, exercise.
I am so tired.  So, so tired. and each day is a struggle to motivate myself enough to even get out of bed.  I have been here before and I know the signs. This could get messy.
I have decided to book time off in September and hopefully just chill out for a couple of weeks. But there is still the niggling though that I will have forgotten something, that I will be found out as a fraud in my job and that I will go back to a whole heap of mistakes made by me that I hadn't realised at the time.

New Year etc.

So "New Year" was a bit of a let down, as to be expected.  Mum has tried really hard to make Christmas and New Year special but I just haven't really had the energy to go with it, although I tried really hard (I can be a good actress when I need to be).  I guess it was kind of OK, but to be honest, I was ready for bed at about 10pm. It seems an awful lot of fuss for.......what? I don't know.
My stuff finally arrived from Switzerland, out of the blue.  It has been in customs for 2 weeks and they kept asking me to fill in form after form after form.  Each time they phoned me it was yet another form to fill in. So it's here.  So that's that then.  I no longer live there (although my cat still does as my ex has custody of him).
I still feel like I don't belong.  I don't feel I live here. I don't feel this is home. I don't really engage with people and am not ready to make new friends which is exactly what I need to do.  I have lived in this city for precisely 4 and a half months and still only know mum, her pub friends, my sister and people at work.  I only really socialise with my sister (which isn't often because she works so much) and know the people who work for her, but they are not really friend friends if that makes sense. I seem to be stuck in loneliness caused by my lack of enthusiasm for anything other than sleeping and reading.
I am functioning though.  I am very weary and going back to work has knocked me out plus I haven't been sleeping well again. In fact, this weekend I plan to sleep as much as possible. I started a diet on the 2nd January and have stuck to it pretty well.  I am going to let another couple of days pass to get settled into the idea and then start increasing the exercise.
So that's my boring little life right now.  I think I may still be a little hypomanic right now but am hoping that if I rest that I can get it under control.

Kicked out of the system

Since my last couple of posts I have been awaiting a reply from my CPN and York Psychiatric Services (under Leeds&York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust). It has been implied that I am not a priority and will be discharged from their services following a phone call I had a week ago from my CPN despite me explaining that if I did not receive ongoing care then I would rapidly become a priority - what happened to relapse prevention?
I am still waiting for a letter with details of who to approach when I need support which will probably be phone lines.  I live at my mothers.  How am I supposed to have a phone call with anyone, even if it is on my mobile in my room, without her hearing?
It finally hit me today and I feel very sad and isolated.  Maybe it is because I am nervous at starting my new job on Monday, maybe because I haven't been out to make new friends. Maybe it's the feeling of being brushed aside.  I don't know.
I received a letter from the occupational health services of the place I am going to work and have to meet with them to "discuss" what I put in my questionnaire.  I really don't want to discuss this at all, but have to for the sake of my job.  I want to be left alone to get on with work and not have their pressure over me that my mental health may become an issue. The york mental health services seem to think that as my employer offers a staff crisis programme that I should use this instead.  I mean, no way! My job is temporary for a couple of months - if I start some kind of care funded by them, what happens when my contract is not extended?  I will have to start all over again, AGAIN!
Meh.

Settling into the system

Progress - I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never in a million years thought I would get it but it is an admin post at a local educational establishment with a high reputation. I somehow managed to get a first interview and although was terrified I resigned myself to the fact that it would be useful interview experience.  It is a much lower level job in terms of responsibility from what I had in this department before but I decided it was probably better to start again.  Two days after the interview I had a phone call from them when I was in an appointment with Mind and they offered me the job!  Well I have to say I was in tears when I put the phone down - after six months applying I managed to blag it and get the opportunity.  I go in  tomorrow to meet the team and start at the beginning of November.

Of course, while the environment seems really friendly and more casual than I have worked in before, I am still nervous that I won't be up to it.  I am also worried that when I return my medical questionnaire that they will then know my mental health issues and regret their decision.  I voiced my concerns with my (lovely) GP and he reassured me that because they have offered me the job, they would have to have damn good reasons for withdrawing the offer based on my medical questionnaire because of the discrimination laws.  They seem quite a forward thinking department though.  So we'll see.

In the meantime I have signed up for an ECDL computer course which I have been whizzing through and it will help refresh my computer knowledge ready for my job.

As for Lovely GP, he has referred me to the mental health team and I meet my CPN next week to start sorting out a care/crisis plan, which was a quicker appointment than I thought I would get.  Lovely GP will also see me next week to check up on how I am.  Because my GP in Hastings took me off the contraceptive pill I have been really worrying about getting pregnant (not that I have had any form of relationship since returning to the UK) but Dr H went through different options with me and am now on the mini-pill but I am thinking of changing to an implant.  Of course, he says it would be very difficult to find someone to sterilise me although he agrees that this clearly impacts on my mental health.  Sorry to all you male readers of my blog, just something I had to get off my chest.

At the end of last week I went to visit my friend from Switzerland who has a house near her parents in Doncast...sorry....Doncatraz.  I stayed a couple of nights and we had a lot of fun, chatted until the early hours, went window shopping and all in all it was lovely.  I miss her because she is so practical and great for advice.

I am hoping that the recent turn of events means that I will start to have a run of good luck and am feeling more positive than I have in a long time and my mood seems to be stabilising.  I have been having a lot of off days and a lot of hypo days and some hyper days (although this has meant I have raced through DIY projects and cleaning at my mums (where I am still living).  I have also been helping my sister out as she manages a fair trade shop so I have been checking stock, pricing and cleaning as she is permanently short staffed.